you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
