I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
