My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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