So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
