a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
