I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
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