Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
