i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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