It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
