I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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