You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
