I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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