Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
