If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
