why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
