You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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