Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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