why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
