My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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