It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
