nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
