I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
