Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
