It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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