There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
