Cold hands, warm shart.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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