so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
