Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
