there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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