I want to stick my p in your. b.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
