At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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