I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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