I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
