My nipple is on Facebook.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
