She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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