Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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