Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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