god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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