Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
