I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Randomize
