Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
