He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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