you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
