Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
