How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
