You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
