Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
