Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
