Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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