Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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