I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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