As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
