Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
