My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
