and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
