Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
