Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
