My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk